hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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