you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
