dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
