I'm really into asian looking animals
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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