Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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