My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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