someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
