Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
