Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize