Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I will pee on everything he values.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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