Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
