Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
