i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
