I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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