There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
