Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
