I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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