He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Who died my cat blue again?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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