Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize