my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
