Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
