I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
