Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
