Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
