i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize