i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
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