I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
