Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
