Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
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