I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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