I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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