apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
