I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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