You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
