I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
