you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize