Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
