If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
