i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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