I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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