I am spending my child support on dildos
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
