"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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