I should be sponsored by Trojan
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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