Little spoons don't ask big questions
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
two words...techno handjob
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
