I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize