she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
