He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
