Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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