so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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