I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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