you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
