we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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