the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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