did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
