At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
