It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
