I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
