end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
