I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
