i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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