You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
