He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
