He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
