I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
