I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
