why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
