I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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