dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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