i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
