Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize