i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
